Afternoon kinksters! It’s Monday, both the weekend and the half term holidays are over so back to the routine. I don’t know about you, but the miserable weather is starting to grate on me a little but I’m seeing flushes of spring as the daffodils are growing nicely in my garden and the trees are budding. To say I’m looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin is a massive understatement.
I know I promised a post on titles and honorifics, and it’s on its way, but I wanted to post about something exciting that I experienced on my recent trip away – my first real life BDSM experience! I’ve got my coffee so grab yours, settle in and we’ll meander down this happy path! (This one is longer than my posts will normally be so it may be worth making sure you have a bit of time aside to read)
Let’s roll back a little. In my last post I talked about how I got here and the rollercoaster 6 months I’ve had. During that time, I was fortunate, no honoured, to be welcomed to a BDSM group and have met the most amazing, supportive, inclusive bunch of Doms and Subs I could have ever hoped for. Even the questions that I thought were stupid, naive or random have been met with knowledge, compassion and encouragement. (If I talk in my posts about ‘group’ this is the amazing bunch of people I am referring to. I’ll talk about this more in a future post about wider support networks)
In group there is a pro Dom. I can hear some maybe now asking ‘what the heck is a pro Dom?’. Put simply, it is a Dominant who will professionally Dominate subs as a service. A quick google search and you’ll find, as I did, that this is typically a female saturated environment and you’ll find names such as dominatrix, mistress and goddess are common. Male pro Doms are less common so I won’t lie, I was wary at first. I couldn’t really see past the possibility that this was just a Dom who wanted access to a lot of submissive women at once. And to an extent that’s true. I think he would have no shame in saying he loves women; he loves to dominate and likes the variety associated with what he does. But this isn’t an ego thing, as I now know.
This Dom specialises in helping newcomers to BDSM learn more about the scene in a safe environment; he has a keen interest in ensuring that new subs are not misled by the number of fake guys out there playing at being a Dom. We have spent weeks chatting online, one to one, about various aspects of my journey and trying to overcome my anxiety around bringing my online self to the real-life community and going to events. Why events? These are one of the best ways to become actively involved with your BDSM and kink community. And so, he offered to accompany me to an event. Easy right?
Wrong! I still had to meet this guy, this pro, this…stranger! I could end up hurt, mentally or physically. I could go missing. He could not turn up. The number of negative possibilities that went around my head were endless. Oh, how little I knew. This isn’t like hopping onto Tinder, matching with a random person and agreeing to meet up at a rope suspension party!
What followed was a discussion around meeting somewhere public, a coffee shop perhaps, and the safety protocols that would happen to ensure I felt comfortable:
- He would pay for drinks and I would get them, so I was sure they weren’t spiked
- He gave me details of one of his current subs so I could talk to them about him and get a ‘review’
- I was to make a call to a friend part way through the meet
- He would bring his drivers licence for me to see
This focus on safety is a massive green flag. He understands, and cares about, the safety of his subs and potential play partners!
This is probably a good time to just discuss a crucial element of meeting a potential play partner: This was weeks ago. None of this was rushed. If you ever feel rushed by a Dom to meet, play or do anything at all question why and seek support from someone you trust. If you are struggling, perhaps because you are new to the scene and have no-one to confide in, drop me a DM or email and I’ll help or point you in the right direction to get support. My motto these days is trust your instincts!
So, we’d pencilled in a date, after Christmas, but for a few different reasons I had to cancel. Another green flag here. He was fine with that, very supportive and I was 100% honest with him about why I needed to cancel. No pressure, no grumbling, it was just like two friends who had to rearrange as you would in your vanilla life.
A few more weeks of chatting about various things, including how he would be giving me an internal toy to wear during our meeting (although exactly what would be a surprise) and then the opportunity came to rearrange our meet, so everything was set. I was lucky to be staying with family the few days around our meeting which reduced a lot of the stress I get when travelling. Although this was a coffee with a Dom friend it was with a view to becoming play partners, so I allowed him, yes note I said allowed, to select my underwear, outfit and nail colour. Why do I say allowed? Because a Dom only has the power to do what a Sub is willing to allow – never forget that. I will never, ever, and nor should you, do anything that is uncomfortable or outside limits.
On the day the nerves had set in. I felt sick, shaky and couldn’t eat. No this is not good and looking back I should have eaten. Please don’t copy that 🙂 Luckily, he had messaged earlier to say we would eat lunch when we met so I would at least not pass out whilst there. I had a 90-minute drive to get there which gave me ample opportunity to complete my breathing and calming exercises. Slow, meaningful ins and outs. Reminding myself that this is, first and foremost, coffee with a friend in a public space. The worst that could happen is we don’t click and stay friends from that point on.
That being said he did take an opportunity to post that he was meeting me and that he would be having me wear a RocksOff Ltd Lust Links Ball and Chain! As I hadn’t switched on my Do Not Disturb function on my phone whilst using the sat nav I saw it. My god, the effect it had was immense. Excitement, fear, nerves….my body instantly receptive to the anticipation. As he knew it would. Despite knowing that I would be using a toy I hadn’t, until that moment, know what it would be. More breathing and calming needed!
By the time I got there I was as calm as I could get but still took a couple of minutes in the car to breath, make a safety text to a couple of my Sub sisters and apply a fresh coat of lipstick. In I walked and joined him at our table. We had opted for a pub and whilst it was busy it wasn’t too bad which allowed for free conversation. A good thing given the things we were likely to discuss.
The first thing I noticed was how I was immediately settled in his presence. He wasn’t overly domineering, just like a friend really. We exchanged pleasantries like anyone else meeting for lunch, but I felt it. I knew right there and then what it felt like to be sat with a Dom who knew how to Dom. Any nerves and apprehension evaporated. We chatted for a short while before he slid a bag to me containing my toy and a condom. I was conscious of my surroundings but surprised at how easy it was to simply pick it up, pop it in my bag and wander off to the ladies without anyone being aware.
Another moment to interject with something important. I will talk about consent, you will hear/read about consent. Often this is in the context of play partners consenting to play but it stretches much further. Consent also includes that of the people in vanilla settings so always be mindful not to do anything that may inadvertently involve others without their consent.
With the grace of an excited puppy I covered the ball with the condom and inserted this weird, new toy inside myself, washed my hands and returned to the table flushed. We looked at the menu and without me noticing he reached into his pocket and switched it on. I jumped a little! The vibrations reverberated through me, all the way to my chest. My heartrate must have touched 200bpm in those first few minutes and I was convinced that it was going to fall out and could be heard by the whole pub!
It wasn’t where it needed to be, and I needed to make an adjustment, so I ordered my food and went back to the ladies. Better! Hindsight is a wonderful thing; I had rushed and should have taken more time to make sure it was fitted correctly.
The rest of lunch was spent chatting between moments of severe distraction, his amusement at me losing my train of thought and being overcome with hot flushes. We discussed so many things, some vanilla, some BDSM, events, my experiences, his approach. But I managed to eat and not have a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ moment. He was visibly enjoying playing with the different settings, seeing how they made me react, the sadist in him being revealed by the sly smirk spread across his face and the occasional ‘are you ok there?’
Before I knew it, it was time to leave so I had to take out my toy. The full feeling had been intense and the constant barrage of sensations and alternating vibrations on my g-spot were reaching my tolerance limits. Another trip to the ladies. Removing it was a delicate operation. I was so close to erupting and there were other ladies using the facilities, so I had to be slow, and steady. The feeling was exquisite! Whilst I had managed to hold it together and not orgasm there and then, the effects of an hour of stimulation were there to be seen!
I had been organised and brought baby wipes and a change of panties so cleaned up, another hand wash and returned the toy to its bag, and myself to our table. I slid the bag across the table to him and was surprised at how little I was concerned with that compared to receiving it. The confidence of having achieved something so new, so exhilarating and risky had put my inhibitions aside.
Once we had said our goodbyes, I again took a few moments in the car to relax, breath and maybe let out a few ‘holy fucks’ as the effects of the whole experience settled in. I’d done it! I’d pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, regardless of what happens in the future made a friend for life, and it felt amazing! The 90-minute return journey was a surreal experience. I felt floaty, calm, grounded and above all else happy. I felt I could conquer the world and was so self-assured. This, I now know, is what sub space feels like. Not full on space, but a mild version and it’s addictive!
The point of this post is not to titillate you with the eroticism of the toy and its effects but to share the things I have learned from this meeting:
- Primarily it is that I have more capability, and am stronger as a Sub, than I had ever imagined. There is no way I would have entertained that scene 6 months ago.
- A good Dom will only do things/play in a way that is within your limits and capabilities. He did nothing that we hadn’t discussed and agreed on first. There were no changes to the plan, no surprises (apart from how great it really was) and followed the safety protocols we had discussed weeks before
- There is now no doubt in my mind that I am 100% a Sub and this is who I truly am. The BDSM lifestyle is as much a part of me as any other aspect of my life and I will never be without it.
- I know what Sub space feels like and I crave it more than ever. It is more intense and settling than I had ever believed it could be.
I am now looking forward to my first munch and play session and, whilst there are still nerves, I am no where near as nervous as I would have been before. My new play partner has a positive effect on me physically but more importantly mentally. My confidence is at an all time high and that is what comes from selecting the right Dom, in the right way – safely.
Have a great day and stay Kinky
BGN x
My BDSM Journey 